These Moments

James has been out of town all week so it has just been me and the kiddos. The other night, I took them to Target to get some much needed necessary items. On our way home I stopped and got us some crappy fast food for dinner and we went home. Rory was exhausted and had fallen asleep on the way home. I laid her down in the toddler bed and so it was just me and Michael. He sat there eating his chicken fries next to me on the couch. I took off his shoes and socks and his feet were sweaty so I started to blow on them. This put him in the biggest giggle fit I think I've ever seen him have. He was laughing so hard he could barely breathe. I just sat there soaking up the memory and reminding myself how much I love this kid. We hardly get moments between just me and him anymore and so any time I have one, I feel like I need to capture it in my head.

Then last night Rory was again asleep before he was (which is rare). I was putting him down to bed when I accidentally bumped his head. He started crying so I sat and rocked him on the glider in his room for a while. He sat there whimpering this fake little whimper for a while so I wouldn't stop holding him. Every time I went to put him to bed he would say "No, how about the chair again?" I decided there wasn't anything more important at that moment than holding him and rocking him like I used to do every night. It feels like an eternity since I have last rocked him to sleep. I finally laid him down to bed and he made me give him the required 100 million kisses, which I gladly gave. 

Moments like those are really what it's all about. <3

The things he sees

I about fell over in shock when he was eating his carrot and then said "It's a cube!" But then a few seconds later he ate a pea and said "It's a spehere!" *jaw drop* I don't know where he learned those shapes! I'm so proud of my little smarty pants!!

That was fun

Speech therapy today was fun (read my sarcasm). Michael decided he'd meltdown for 1/2 of the therapy session, laying on the floor screaming and crying. Luckily the therapist is really patient as am I and we just waited it out. Finally he decided it would be better to get up and play puzzles. But then he didn't want to leave when it was time to go so the meltdown started up again, lol! He got over it soon enough on the way home, which I was happy about.

Anyway, I told the ST about his dx and she agreed that it fit him. We talked a little about his rituals and routines and how I struggle with when I should allow him to stick to the rituals and when I should force him otherwise. She basically said to break it as much as I can but if I don't have the energy for it that day, then that's okay. Forcing him to break from his rituals can throw off his whole day so it's very hard for me to decide whether or not it is worth it to force it on him. But it makes sense that the more we force it, the more he will get used to the idea of change and that is good. I guess I will just keep taking it one day at a time. I have actively been working on this and I do see improvement - however very slowly.

My child is a genius (At the very least amazing)

So tonight after I got off of work, Michael wanted me to "play tracks and trains". He always lines them up in the same order so when the last 3 were missing, he knew it. He turned to me and held up 3 fingers and said "3 trains missing - yellow, black, black" Then we searched around for a minute and found the yellow one. Then he held up 2 fingers and said "2 trains missing - black, black". The things this kid knows amazes me!!

This child is going to make me lose my mind!

So lately Michael has been really particular about where I am at. Like I mean where I physically am at. If I am sitting and he doesn't want me to sit, he gets upset. If I am standing in the wrong spot, he gets upset. If I hand him his cup of milk in a different spot than normal, he gets really upset. This is making it extremely hard for me. Tonight he was mad at me because I was "supposed" to stand in the kitchen. Every time I would go to sit down at the table and eat dinner, he would come over and scream and cry in my face saying "no mama get up!!!" I couldn't even finish my dinner. Earlier this morning every time I tried to sit on the couch, he made me get up too. This is getting really old!! I don't know what to do about it. If I ignore it and just keep doing what I'm doing, it escalates into a meltdown. If I move, then he is ok but that makes him think he can tell me where I need to be. I don't know how I'm supposed to go about this! But one thing is for sure, it's driving me CRAZY!!

Dinner...oh my

So tonight was just a blast. When  I told Michael it was time to eat he initially refused which is normal. But after a few mins he decided it was ok to go eat. When he got to the table he was mad the plate he used for lunch was gone. He got distracted from that by this dinosaur sippy that was on the table. He had this small US flag that he had shoved in the tail before but I had taken it out earlier. He was mad about this and trying to put it back in. The dino fell a couple of times and he got so upset he started throwing the cup. So I took it away and he went into a huge meltdown.

He was screaming while James was trying to watch a movie. This was annoying him so he came in the room and started yelling at him. Of course this made him scream harder. Then James slapped his hands and flicked him in the back! I started yelling at him because that was inappropriate and completely unnecessary.

Finally after forever Michael said "I'm sorry mama" and started crying and hugged me. He was calming down and started spinning the knobs on our china hutch. James then saw and got ticked and stuck him in time out. So the screaming started back up. While he was sitting in the time out chair, James was getting into a power struggle with him. I broke in and did a diaper change to hopefully reset him. It was working until I went to sit down and eat again. Michael got mad I was not standing and started to flip out. I thought maybe if I gave him yogurt he would calm down. I got it out and he was saying "No how about plate?" I finally figured out he wanted the stupid plate he had used for lunch. I took it out of the sink and washed it off. He then asked me to put the yogurt on it and he happily ate dinner.

All this was over the course of more than an hour! I'm going to die early from this stress I think!

Sensory issues and food

This is so annoying for me. I wish I could give Michael a large variety of food. But it's like pulling teeth to get him to eat ANYTHING so I take what I can get. I always offer but 99.9% of the time he refuses. Last night I was shocked when he tried a green bean (after watching me enthusiastically shove some into my mouth). However, after he put one in his mouth, he started to gag and puked all over the place. He wasn't choking on it, he was just gagging from the sensory aspect of it. He tried, which is AWESOME but it wasn't fun cleaning up puke at the dinner table. :p

Routines

These are by far the most frustrating part of my days. Michael has set routines for things and if something is "off" from how he expected it, that's when the problems start. It can be as simple as me not standing where I'm supposed to stand while getting him a cup of milk. When I drop him off at my mother in law's in the morning, he has a routine that he does from getting out of the car, all the way until he gets in the door and sits on the couch. The problem is, he is adding new things to the routine. Before we would get out of the car and he'd run to the door and wait, then go inside and slowly sneak around the corner to the couch. Now he has to help me shut the car door, run to the door, then we have to ring the doorbell like 10x before he will go in the house. I'm just wondering when I should be allowing this or when I should force him to deal without. It does make MY life easier when I give in but I don't know if that is really the best thing for HIM.

What is PDD-NOS?

I will copy/paste the info from Autism Speaks

PDD-NOS

Diagnostic Overview
Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS) is one of the autism spectrum disorders and is used to describe individuals who do not fully meet the criteria for autistic disorder or Asperger syndrome.

PDD-NOS may be thought of as “subthreshold autism," or a diagnosis one can give a person who has “atypical symptomatology.” ²  In other words, when someone has autistic characteristics but some of their symptoms are mild, or they have symptoms in one area (like social deficits), but none in another key area (like restricted, repetitive behaviors), they may be given the PDD-NOS label.

In the DSM-IV Criteria for a Diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, PDD-NOS  is covered in a single paragraph, which mainly asserts what it is not:
"This category should be used when there is severe and pervasive impairment in the development of reciprocal social interaction associated with impairment in either verbal or nonverbal communication skills or with the presence of stereotyped behavior, interests, and activities, but the criteria are not met for a specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Schizophrenia, Schizotypal Personality Disorder, or Avoidant Personality Disorder. For example, this category includes “atypical autism” – presentations that do not meet the criteria for Autistic Disorder because of late age at onset, atypical symptomatology, or subthreshold symptomatology, or all of these." ¹

American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (4th ed., rev.). Washington DC: Author. (Pg. 84) 

When might a person receiv a diagnosis of PDD-NOS?
That will vary, of course, but in one study, researchers found that those with PDD-NOS could be placed in one of three very different subgroups: ⁴

• A high-functioning group (24%) who resembled people with Asperger syndrome but had transient language delay or mild cognitive impairment (such that they could not receive the Asperger diagnosis which requires no speech or cognitive delay).
• A group (24%) who resembled people with autism but who had a late age of onset, or otherwise did not meet the criteria for autism.
• A group (52%) who were autistic-like, but displayed fewer stereotyped and repetitive behaviors.

PDD-NOS

So that's the official dx for now. We have a follow up in 6 months to check his development. Honestly this was the dx I was expecting. It is a relief to finally have some answers. The pedi also put us on a list for a social skills class put on by the OT.

The reason he gave him that dx and not Autism is due to the fact that he has eye contact (mostly with me or other family members - not to strangers), shows me items of interest, and is affectionate. In all other areas, he showed signs/symptoms of Autism. So basically they give the PDD-NOS dx when they meet most or have significant issues in other areas of Autism but don't fully meet all the criteria. 

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is our appointment. I'm excited and a little nervous. I mostly can't wait to hear some results.

The little things

We were at a friend's house tonight and I had pulled one of their son's puzzles out of the closet for Michael to play with. It had two pieces missing which I did worry about when I first pulled it out but thought maybe since they were not there when he first saw it, he'd be okay. Well he was fine at first but then he started to get really anxious and upset about the missing pieces. He kept saying "Two more pieces. They disappeared. Mama they play hide seek, go find them" and he'd try to pull me off the couch to go find them. This wasn't like a NT child just throwing a fit that they didn't get their way or that they wanted the puzzle, this was actually causing him serious stress and anxiety. It's the little things like this that make me have to be hyper aware of the situation at all times.